Born In Flames

Stupid fucking internet angst. Minutes 4 through 9 of ‘Elevation' doesn't help. I should post a picture of Pharoah Sanders so white kids will know to hit 'like'. I'm a white kid too. This has been a passive aggressive Tumblr post. There's a black hole inside me, that's where the good things go. I am clinging to him hoping his goodness can save me. If he doesn't feel the weight of me yet then it's only a matter of time. He called me back from work, 'Greeting to Saud' parted the clouds in my head, and then I cried so hard my contact squeezed itself outta my left eye. I'm trying to find a foothold here. Good days follow bad days follow good days. I work sometimes but when I don't the fear creeps in. I should just stay busy all the time. I should go to the coffee shop where my roommate is. I should finish my resume. I never wanted to need love this badly but holy shit I can't wait to see his face on my doorstep next week. Now I'm scared again, so much want and need never ended well. An informal poll of my ex-boyfriends reveals they miss my cooking the most. Thank god for his unsophisticated palate, thank god he's got the patience of a saint. I'm a bad girl trying to be good, he's a good boy trying to be good but he doesn't know that yet. I need some sort of combination saint and sanitation worker to deal with all my shit. I'm gonna fuck this up, some kind of shoe is gonna drop. Here comes the fear again, the end is near again. 'Ore-Se-Rere' is telling me there's a world outside the one in my head and I should lighten the fuck up. 'The Gathering' is beautiful and then breaks down and then it gets beautiful again, it wants me to know that that's just how the world is. I'm still trying to learn shit everyone else figured out when they were five. If I had had more love I'd be stronger by now. I wish I was one of those serene motherfuckers who had nice childhoods and now they're untouchable. Or one of those tough motherfuckers whose lives were a pile of shit but it made them flinty and wise. I'm having a nervous breakdown almost every day over the stupidest shit. May he never feel like a caretaker or a crutch, may I never be a burden to the one I love, lord don't let me fuck this up. This has been a really stupid Tumblr post.

  1. imvipbigbang reblogged this from borninflames
  2. bunnyriver reblogged this from borninflames and added:
    being in love fucks up my life. the need for love fucks up my life. confusion and delusion fucks up my life. i never...
  3. novazembla said: I’m not flinty or wise either. Your second-to-last sentence has been my mantra at times too. I want to hug you and buy you a nice warm drink.
  4. idostuff said: homegirl, you need a new tube of lipstick and some ladyfriends to take you out for dinner.
  5. marleigiela said: not stupid. it’s real. i know how that feels.
  6. borninflames posted this